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| Source: Wikipedia |
Wait, no, it’s about a doe-eyed waif with Asperger’s who bumbles into a creepy old castle populated by animated inanimate objects, and together they have zany adventures as she discovers the manifold joys of Stockholm syndrome.
Actually, it’s about a massive multimedia powerhouse that pumps budget, bowdlerization, and Alan Menken earworms into a Brothers Grimm folktale to create the ultimate blend of 2D animation and early 90s CGI, to sell like heroin-laced hotcakes and keep the liquid nitrogen flowing in Uncle Walt’s cryogenic preservation chamber.
Which is why you should go watch it right now, under the unfathomable circumstances you haven’t already.
I’m serious, it’s a Disney classic. Do yourself a favor and splurge on the Special Edition. It adds revamped picture quality and a deleted song-and-dance sequence that contributes approximately nothing to the plot but looks real pretty.
That’s really all there is to say on the matter.
I have HOW much space left? Oh geez.
Details I never noticed as a youngster:
- In the inciting incident recounted via stained-glass windows, the spoiled prince was eleven. The whole castle gets punished for his acting like an eleven-year-old. Also, hot enchantresses are apparently roaming rural eighteen-century France.
- The whole story happens in, like, a week.
- Despite the “true beauty is found within” moral, the heroine and *human!* Beast are fortunately quite attractive.
…frigging anybody.
84 minutes.
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