IMDb #149: How to Train Your Dragon (2010)

Source: Wikipedia

A village of Scottish-accented Vikings kills dragons, until deciding not to.

There are several things wrong with this picture.

First, the sarcastic voiceover helpfully jokes that the weather is cruel and brutal. We see sunshine, not a single snowflake. The Vikings also fail to be cruel and brutal. Instead of raping and pillaging, they tend crops and raise sheep -- which makes them viable targets for raping and pillaging. Did I mention the adults have Scottish accent, whereas the kids sound mysteriously Canadian.

Once again, Dreamworks tries to be Pixar. Following the standard formula.

A bigheaded wuss decides that "X" will solve all his problems (become a prince, nab a girlfriend, or in this case, slay a dragon). So he does. Or tries. Once he breaks away from appeasing his unpleasable father figure, he instead establishes a symbiotic relationship with a puny crippled hell-beast. (The lesson: to crush your enemies, establish a codependent relationship so they can't cope without you.) As usual, the marketable doglike lizard cozies up to him, even arbitrarily understands human speech when it's funny or plot-relevant.

Meanwhile, the teen protagonist undergoes Spartan training to defeat the physics-defying lizards. The Understandably, the peer caricatures instantly dislike the hero. Because he's a bleeding coward, he compensates for lack of physical prowess with suspiciously precognizant mechanical inventions.

Enough about the hero. A word about the heroine. The typical "tough gal," the hardness quickly liquefies and she drops any individual goals once the bully squad suddenly understands the misunderstood hero.

Furthermore, the alleged Vikings put aside three centuries of bloodshed to unite against a freakishly convenient common enemy.

Yes, I personally despise this franchise. How'd you guess. But I can't fault everybody involved on the project. The animation's gorgeous. The soundtrack noticeably strives for critical mass of "suitably epic." The dragon designs are consistently clever (continuing even through the credits sequence). Blessedly, the hero isn't quite invincible. But virtually everything about the story irked me.

How do you train a dragon? Simple. Once the main guy's done it, anybody can do it in a snap. Because apparently dragon training is a frigging breeze.

98 minutes.

IMDb #168 Review: Finding Nemo (2003)

Source: Wikipedia

A maniac kills and eats a man's wife and all his children, save one. Year later, the father and a mentally retarded woman go on a dangerous journey to rescue his physically disabled son. Also, they're fish, and this movie's for kids.

Nemo, the titular localized disaster zone, gets scooped up by divers and plopped in a quack dentist's aquarium. His embarrassingly overprotective dad charges headlong into danger to save his boy from getting a scratch. In fact, the incredible journey goes viral, rippling through the ocean faster than the East Australian Current.

The rules of this universe are baffling but consistent. Fish have expressive eyebrows. Their offspring go to school with musically pedantic manta rays. Aquarium dwellers befriend pelicans and perform tribal initiation rituals. Colorful denizens of the Great Barrier Reef can apparently survive in any environment. These include Sydney's polluted bay, the deep-down Abyssal Zone, and the Jonah zone. All aquatic species (except weird ones like jellyfish and anglerfish) can inexplicably communicate, as well as understand human speech. One, in particular, can read English.

I nitpick because I can only nitpick -- this movie's scarily close to perfection. The animation's brilliant as ever. The storytelling takes the shotgun approach to the broad family audience, and blows the competition out of the water. Pixar writes children (of all species) remarkably well, most likely by consulting actual children. 

Somehow, the work remains grounded. Over-caution becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: it results in rebellion, which results in abduction by aliens. The message boils down to all things in moderation and trust each other. Simmer at 350 for fifteen minutes, add a dash of Cajun spice, and dig into a healthy helping of chillax, yo with your fellow blazed-out surfer turtles.

IMDb #223 Review: Monsters, Inc. (2001)

Source: Wikipedia

Biological abominations performing mundane factory duties shouldn't be this entertaining, let alone family friendly. Leave it to Pixar.

Okay. So these self-identified monsters live in a parallel world just like ours, except for the parts that aren't. The population spans a staggering range of shapes and sizes and color combinations, yet everyday objects appear designed for the relatively humanoid. Human things are just tweaked to look more monstrous. Moreover, clothes seem optional.

The urban economy depends on actors who go through interdimensional portals made of wood and metal and rubber tubes.

Why? To harvest the negative emotions of human children which fuel their technological society. Because of course.

All this offbeat weirdness blends into a sensational symphony of the instantly relatable and unquestionably bizarre. Human names, human events, human social situations, but cloaked in a luxuriously animated monster metropolis.

Oh right, the story. It's great stuff. The gentle giant and bigmouth bipedal eyeball are the top in the scaring business. Then, via shenanigans, a human toddler escapes into their world. A reverse monster movie ensues. Blah blah unmitigated brilliance.

Turns out the girl isn't toxic like the monsters think, but she exhibits typical toddler attributes. She babbles incoherently (yet coherently enough to communicate); she transforms intelligent adults into gibbering morons (did they all legitimately fall for that disguise); and might possess the superpower of teleportation.

Scrambling for an easy solution to an unexpected child (there is none), the well-meaning heroes stumble upon corporate corruption and pragmatic atrocities. It can happen.

At the apex of their genius phase, Pixar creates yet another enormously complex world. Even better, they make it comprehensible and slick-paced and legitimately funny. Every hair, tentacle, and snowflake oozes obsession to detail.

Why yes, I’m raving. Carry on with your doubtlessly fascinating lives. Which would be even more doubtlessly fascinating with adorkable monsters.

92 minutes.

IMDb #246 Review: Beauty and the Beast (1991)

Source: Wikipedia

Riding a wave of Little Mermaid money, Disney dives headfirst into the “tale as old as time” about a poofy-lipped French bookworm exploring bestiality.

Wait, no, it’s about a doe-eyed waif with Asperger’s who bumbles into a creepy old castle populated by animated inanimate objects, and together they have zany adventures as she discovers the manifold joys of Stockholm syndrome.

Actually, it’s about a massive multimedia powerhouse that pumps budget, bowdlerization, and Alan Menken earworms into a Brothers Grimm folktale to create the ultimate blend of 2D animation and early 90s CGI, to sell like heroin-laced hotcakes and keep the liquid nitrogen flowing in Uncle Walt’s cryogenic preservation chamber.

Which is why you should go watch it right now, under the unfathomable circumstances you haven’t already.

I’m serious, it’s a Disney classic. Do yourself a favor and splurge on the Special Edition. It adds revamped picture quality and a deleted song-and-dance sequence that contributes approximately nothing to the plot but looks real pretty.

That’s really all there is to say on the matter.

I have HOW much space left? Oh geez.

Details I never noticed as a youngster:

• In the inciting incident recounted via stained-glass windows, the spoiled prince was eleven. The whole castle gets punished for his acting like an eleven-year-old. Also, hot enchantresses are apparently roaming rural eighteen-century France. 
• The whole story happens in, like, a week. 
• Despite the “true beauty is found within” moral, the heroine and *human!* Beast are fortunately quite attractive. 

Recommended for…

…frigging anybody.

84 minutes.