IMDb #149: How to Train Your Dragon (2010)

Source: Wikipedia

A village of Scottish-accented Vikings kills dragons, until deciding not to.

There are several things wrong with this picture.

First, the sarcastic voiceover helpfully jokes that the weather is cruel and brutal. We see sunshine, not a single snowflake. The Vikings also fail to be cruel and brutal. Instead of raping and pillaging, they tend crops and raise sheep -- which makes them viable targets for raping and pillaging. Did I mention the adults have Scottish accent, whereas the kids sound mysteriously Canadian.

Once again, Dreamworks tries to be Pixar. Following the standard formula.

A bigheaded wuss decides that "X" will solve all his problems (become a prince, nab a girlfriend, or in this case, slay a dragon). So he does. Or tries. Once he breaks away from appeasing his unpleasable father figure, he instead establishes a symbiotic relationship with a puny crippled hell-beast. (The lesson: to crush your enemies, establish a codependent relationship so they can't cope without you.) As usual, the marketable doglike lizard cozies up to him, even arbitrarily understands human speech when it's funny or plot-relevant.

Meanwhile, the teen protagonist undergoes Spartan training to defeat the physics-defying lizards. The Understandably, the peer caricatures instantly dislike the hero. Because he's a bleeding coward, he compensates for lack of physical prowess with suspiciously precognizant mechanical inventions.

Enough about the hero. A word about the heroine. The typical "tough gal," the hardness quickly liquefies and she drops any individual goals once the bully squad suddenly understands the misunderstood hero.

Furthermore, the alleged Vikings put aside three centuries of bloodshed to unite against a freakishly convenient common enemy.

Yes, I personally despise this franchise. How'd you guess. But I can't fault everybody involved on the project. The animation's gorgeous. The soundtrack noticeably strives for critical mass of "suitably epic." The dragon designs are consistently clever (continuing even through the credits sequence). Blessedly, the hero isn't quite invincible. But virtually everything about the story irked me.

How do you train a dragon? Simple. Once the main guy's done it, anybody can do it in a snap. Because apparently dragon training is a frigging breeze.

98 minutes.