IMDb #211 Review: Jaws (1975)

Source: Wikipedia

This summer blockbuster cancelled millions of beach trips, indirectly murdered millions of sharks, and garnered millions of dollars. Thank Stephen Spielberg’s crappy animatronic prop, John Williams’s unforgettable score, and the eminently forgettable source novel.

We begin with a teen beach party celebrating bonfires and seventies hairstyles. Amorous shenanigans go awry, and a skinny-dipping waif dies theatrically.

When the authorities recover her fragments, the smarmy mayor refuses to close the beaches. However, when shark rumors poke above water, the entitled middle-class nitwits freak out.

The reward summons wannabe shark-killers, who only succeed in catching red herrings. Naturally, the beach remains open for a Fourth-of-July swimmer smorgasbord.

The shark is incidental. The true enemy? Greed. Stupidity. Tiny minds. The people don’t listen to warnings, just severed limbs. And the good citizens of Amity, New York blame the heroes for their own incapacity to absorb information. (Case in point: bereaved mom in black veil blames the chief for son’s death/the mayor’s dumbass decision.)

So the heroes muster a team. A police chief scared of water; a weirdo oceanographer prone to dropping important things in moments of crisis; and a crazy misanthropic shark-killer who cites an isolated incident from World War II as a Freudian excuse for his crusade.

The dudes hang out on a boat, toss meat overboard, swap scar stories, booze it up. Actually, the shark hunt occupies the entire (substantially superior) second hour.

Although Mythbusters debunked the movie's solution the shark problem, it’s still great fun.

Recommended for oceanographers keen on skewering misconceptions and small-town government studying poor crisis management.

IMDb #237 Review: Jurassic Park (1993)

Source: Wikipedia

In the far-flung future of 1993, where DNA decay doesn’t exist and computers age worse than B-list child actors, one man has a vision.

• First, resemble a creepy, pudgy, possibly insane Steven Spielberg. Check.
• Next, clone dinosaurs using blood from mosquitoes fossilized in amber, also frog DNA for unexplained reasons. Somehow, check.
• Finally, invite the public to an island theme park swarming with huge, murderous, science-spawned monstrosities.
• Mission accomplished.

But wait, intermediate step. Bring in paleontologists, a lawyer, and a world-famous mathematician (those exist?) to inspect the site and deem it a terrible idea. Frigging awesome, but still terrible.

Anticipate painfully lame educational tours, obnoxious children, and irritating quirks from the “rock star” chaos theorist. Then things get really bad.

The disgruntled IT guy screws over everyone. Not just his cheap-ass boss–everyone. For the crimes of demanding a decent paycheck and being a fat, traitorous, legally blind slob, he meets an embarrassing demise. So do some other people.

Suspense happens as the less unsympathetic humans scramble for shelter.

But we know who the real stars are. They’re apparently warmblooded, deficient in the feathers department, and exemplary of the finest special effects the early nineties could afford. No joke here: it’s the dinosaurs. These beautiful bastards roar, chase, bite, and brutally dismember just as well today. (Note for posterity: dino action starts around the one-hour mark. Skip the human palaver, bring on the bloodshed.)

Best (?) of all, certain kitschy touches–juvenile gags, cheesy lines, and silly sound effects–reach out to a broader audience, so kids can enjoy the primal carnage too.

127 minutes.